Preparing to Launch

You may have picked up reading this blog during a time of your life where some kind of transition is happening. Some kind of shift in your life is occurring and you’re looking for some peace, some guidance, an expert to lead your though to the process. Well, that' s what I'm here for! What might be occurring for you basically is the idea in your mind that:

THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG HERE.

As human beings, we judge and assess pretty much everything that comes our way automatically. The saying, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression” is a good example of this kind of automatic reaction. The problem with this “design issue” of human beings is that we each have the unfortunate tendency to believe whatever we think, and then we go on about life inside of whatever particular “truth” we have invented for ourselves. Now, I get that this is a challenging concept, but stick with it. Consider, what if just maybe the same powerful thinking that creates our world automatically can be used to shift the world we live in? I’m not talking about positive thinking, or making something up that isn’t true, but as the wise person once said, “there’s 1,000 ways to skin a cat.” Not a great mental image, but a good concept.

A time of transition is the perfect opportunity to create something new. Like the rebirth of the phoenix; the completion, death, or end of something results in new beginnings. The first place to look is to create a place of safety inside yourself that you can go back to and get grounded in when you’re out and about creating the life and family of your dreams. When your butt is on the line, it’s helpful to have a chair nearby—just in case.

Having a coach is like having that nearby chair. It's a stable, reliable person to come back to who holds you up to being the person you say you want to be. I offer complementary 30 minute consultations that you can book via my NEW website--http://www.orbitalfamily.com

Please give yourself the support you deserve--call or email me!

These Boots Were Made for Walking My Talk

Although I've presented classes, workshops, introductions, and been an counselor/coach/teacher for my entire career, the new venture I've been on involves something I've never done before--presenting with another person as a duo. Moreover, my co-pilot on this venture happens to be my husband, and the project happens to be creating an intimacy/partnership workshop for couples called, "Love the One You're With: Reinventing Partnership, Play, and Intimacy."

What's not surprising is that in the process of the two of us creating together, all of our usual complaints about each other have come up in the process. It's been necessary for us to confront EVERY FRIGGIN' THING that we've been tolerating about each other in order to have this bugger get created. Sigh. I've had to pay attention to my own coaching, (good thing I'm a good coach, hehe!) and get real about being responsible for the health of our marriage.

For example, our son started preschool last week, and our daughter started a couple days a week of child care, and unfortunately at the same time David's grandmother died. On top of all this, we had set some deadlines for completing some important items around the workshop. We both were tired and overwhelmed, and decided that on Sunday afternoon that we would trade off taking a brief nap so that we could be refreshed and take on the next thing. During Dave's nap, I scurried about getting this and that done, and let him sleep longer than we had agreed. I expected that when he got up, he would jump in and take over where I had left off, but he started watching television. I got angry, and continued to work, and didn't take my nap.

That night, I got angry and confronted him for my not being able to take a nap. He apologized, not for that, but for the fact that he didn't get what my expectation had been for when he got up in the afternoon. I realized later that I had never told him what I had wanted, nor had I left him adequate time to do what I had wanted him to do because I didn't wake him up when I said I would! I totally had sabotaged my rest and well-being, and wanted to blame him. I could've had everything I had wanted if I just communicated it, and stuck to what I said. Sheesh!

Facial Sphincter

Now that I've got your attention with that title....
I went to lunch the other day with my father, and when he sat down I asked him, "Gee dad, how's your face?" Not surprised by my turn of phrase (he is my dad, after all), he responded, "not so great, I'm feeling pretty low. Is it that obvious?" He was, at the time, obviously oblivious to my finely honed counseling and empathy skills so I told him what I had noticed was that he had a "facial sphincter." This condition arises when an individual is thinking too much, generally resulting in worry, anxiety, upset, and feelings of inadequacy. This then results of a tightening of the facial muscles--generally presenting in the lowering and pulling in of eyebrows, tightening and pulling in of lips, and clenching of teeth. In effect, the face becomes smaller and pulled in, centering around the nose, giving the the impression of a sphincter on the face.

If you have this particular diagnosis--and I suspect you can self-diagnose this one--there's good news! It's treatable. You need to get out of your head and into the world again, even if you think you're not fit company. The prescription can be any or all of the following:

Communication
Call or have a conversation with someone and tell them you have a facial sphincter. Not only will you get their full attention, but it will lessen the tension as you talk about what's on your mind.

Connection
The power of physical connection is highly underrated. I recommend a really good hug, at least 6 seconds with no back patting, just breathing into the hug. However, if you're in a position (no pun intended) to have healthy sex with a safe and loving partner, please go for it--the endorphins will do you wonders.

Fun
Go and do something you enjoy, even for a short period of time. Take a walk, breathe deeply, have a cup of coffee and read a book for 15 minutes, listen to your favorite album, sniff flowers at a florist or grocery store or garden, hit some golf balls, whatever!

Cry
We don't let ourselves have this kind of self-expression very often, but it can be excellent to relieve tension and there are chemicals released in tears that are very good for you! Set yourself up (get the kids out of the house, turn the phone off, etc.) and get yourself a box of tissues. If you can't easily make yourself cry, I recommend Disney movies (just the sad bits), the original Lassie Comes Home movie, or the song "We've Only Just Begun" by the Carpenters (or maybe that last one is just me...).

Exercise
It's been proven that a combination of aerobic exercise and supportive social environment is as therapeutic for many people as antidepressants and therapy. While it depends on the individual, certainly, there's no denying that exercise releases powerful endorphins and adrenaline, which definitely will have your facial sphincter relax. Not to mention, it's good for you and will be a source of pride that you did something positive when you were feeling low.

Baggage

I was talking to my hubby the the other night and it occured to me that after 10 years of marriage--it's not a matter of NOT having baggage, it's a matter of having MATCHING baggage. Yep, it's a collection--get the whole set! The more that Dave and I delve into our relationship, the more it becomes clear that the voices in our heads have this weird kind of synergy, and that is what triggers some of our reactions to each other.

So, ok, I have this recurring "tape" that plays in my head that says, "you're not doing this right, you're going to get in trouble, are you doing this right?"--does this sound familiar at all to you?

Dave, on the other hand, has a "tape" that plays in his head that says, "you can't do this right, you're going to fail, is this what you should be doing anyway?"

When one of us has our background conversation going on, it influences how we're being, acting, sounding, etc. And THAT triggers the OTHER person's tape!

What Dave and I have been trying, after finding this out, is telling each other when the background conversations, or "tapes" are playing, and what they're saying. This could sound a little goofy, but I'm tellin' ya, it's been very useful to stop the negative mind chatter and we aren't getting annoyed with each other for seemingly no reason.

What do the voices in YOUR head tell you? Have you noticed that when you try to get them to go away, they get louder? Try not taking them so seriously, after all, it's YOUR head and therefore it's not actually reality--it's your mind. Some things I've tried that work....

Humor: this takes away the power of these little voices. I may say to myself when the little monster voices come up, "I bet you can't say that in Chinese!" or I'll sing the classic Muppet "Manamanah" song.

Boredom: hey, you've heard this voice many times before, so just don't give it any power! Try saying to yourself, "thanks for sharing, but no thanks." or "Blah, blah, blah, you bore me with that one."

Visualization: I turned the "you're fat, you're ugly, and no one loves you" conversation into a kickline song-and-dance number featuring Madison J. Frog from Looney Tunes. Very hard to take that mental voice seriously now.

In essence, I guess I'm advocating that you actually listen to the voices in your head instead of resisting them. Hey, it's worth a try, right?

A Little Background and a Reality Check

I was just re-reading some of my posts, and thinking that being an "expert" of sorts is all fine and good, but how do YOU know that I know what the hell I'm talking about? So, I thought this might be a good time for a little background. Yes, I've been married to my best friend Dave for 10 years now and we have a fantastic marriage. Is it all peaches and cream? Heck, no! We nearly didn't survive our first year of marriage! Yes, I have two bright and beautiful children. Do I occasionally want to pack them off to boarding school or the nearest detention facility? Heck, yes! The truth of the matter is, I think I've spent more time, money, and energy putting work into my family relationships than I have my "real" work/career--which incidentally could explain a few things--but at any rate, what I've learned is that the "juice" in having a life you love comes from those important relationships that stem from your family ties. Even if you had the most horrible of childhoods, it IS possible to create a family you love and a life you love. It IS possible to forgive yourself and those from your past who you feel have wounded and betrayed you. I've done it, and I want to share with you what I've learned so that your path can be smoother and more joyful. I'll share more about myself and my past as we go along, but suffice to say for now that it includes abuse of a couple of different varieties, a good deal of getting severely bullied in school, a father with anger management problems, parental divorce, date rape, and anxiety issues.

You might be saying to yourself, "yeah, but I've been through......" and I'm the LAST person to invalidate someone's experience. But consider that if healing IS possible, if forgiveness IS possible, even if it doesn't seem attainable right NOW--what would that open up for you and your life? WHAT IF YOUR PAST DIDN'T HAVE A HOLD ON YOU? What would be possible? Who could you be? Think about it.

Taking on Becoming an Orbital Family

In becoming an Orbital Family, you are taking on your family just as it is, and just as it isn’t. The journey is about accepting what is so, and then CHOOSING CONSIOUSLY what the family will tolerate and what it won’t. It is about creating space for the miraculous to emerge, for every family member to be self-expressed and contributing to the family, and how to have peace within a family despite any circumstance. Becoming an Orbital Family isn’t a fix, it’s a FIND. It is a process of finding the center of the family, finding your orbit within the family, and finding the harmony that exists when the planets (that is, the people) are aligned. Let’s continue.

You're Full of Should

The last point to ponder here is—what do you think a family SHOULD be like? What are the images, archetypes, and parts that make up that concept of the “perfect” family? This is the meat of the matter, so don’t skip this part. Write down your family SHOULDS and then we’ll pull it all together.

When you think about how your family IS and then how you think it SHOULD be, what do you notice? Are you angry? Sad? Resigned? Annoyed that I’m even asking the question? The fact of the matter is, we have societal concepts of what a family SHOULD be like that is largely unattainable. As such, when we have expectations of this perfect family that aren’t being met by reality, there are consequences. We get angry with ourselves and the family we have, we resent our circumstances, and we try in all kinds of ways to “fix” our families to make them “better.” It might not be in our faces every day, but in the background of our minds we have a conversation that our family isn’t good enough and never will be.

Now what?

What did you notice? Are the statements about your family more negative, positive, or pretty well balanced? The point of this is not to judge what your family culture has been up until this point, but to bring awareness of the background conversations that you have about family into your awareness. That way, as you consider the possibility of shifting or altering your perceptions, you know what is floating around in the background that you’re going to run into. Here’s the next thing for you to consider…

What are your thoughts and judgments about other kinds of families? Think about going to the grocery store, the mall, church, or wherever you see lots of people. What are your automatic thoughts about the families that you see? How do you compare your family with other families? Yep, now’s the time to jot down a couple of notes on this.

Who is IN or OUT?

Think about YOUR family. Who do you consider IN or OUT of your family? What are your criteria for thinking about someone as a family member? Must they be a Blood relation? Do you need to have known them for a certain length of time? Are there “rules” for being a family member in good standing? What are they? Have people been kicked out of the family or have they disappeared? Are there honorary family members?
Now consider, what is the “IS” of your family? To discover your family’s “IS” you need to think about it this way:

My family is……….

Now fill in the blanks. List as many “IS” statements about your family as you can think of in the next few minutes. Oh, I’m sorry, you thought this was going to be a little blog you could just read and talk about and not actually have to do anything with? HA! Sorry, that’s not happening. Now, go get a pencil and paper and get writing.

A side note about how this is going to go...

Now, I'm not too sure how it goes on other blogs, but as much as I love the sound of my own voice I'm not here to just lay some wisdom on you--this is interactive. In my blogs and on my website are challenges, exercises, and questions that are posed for you to consider. Take advantage of this opportunity and you can also post questions of your own to get my advice and coaching on. I may not be able to address every question, but you'll get the very best coaching on a variety of areas that we as humans all have to deal with. Try me!

An Introduction to The Orbital Family

What is an Orbital Family?

Many years ago, I remember learning in school that there were different kinds of families: Nuclear Families were comprised of a Mother, Father, and children and considered the “normal” standard. Ok, that wasn’t blatantly stated but certainly implied. Then of course there were Extended Families, where grandparents or other family members live with the rest of the family. Of course it was noted that this wasn’t the usual arrangement. Finally, there were Blended Families, which is the case when two divorced/widowed/etc. people marry and bring their children into the new relationship to “blend” them together, a la Brady Bunch. These little categories always left me thinking that this cut and dry way of thinking about families left a lot to be desired, and a lot of people who didn’t fit into a category.

Fast forward several years, and I found myself at 19 years old with my parents announcing that they were separating. It was never something I could’ve foreseen through my child’s eyes, but the turn of events that occurred over the next several years brought forth a new idea of what a family could be—the Orbital Family.

Any family can be an Orbital Family. It doesn’t matter how many people are in the family, where they live, or how they live. It doesn’t matter if they’re married or divorced, widowed, happy or sad, with or without children, together or apart. You may already have an Orbital Family, and not even realize it. So, I return to the question originally asked—What is an Orbital Family?

Imagine if you will that every family is its own solar system, and every individual is a planet in that system. Consider this to be true even if some people in the family don’t get along (or hate each others’ guts) or aren’t always physically present. What then, is at the center of the solar system? What is the sun? In an Orbital Family, the center of the solar system is the CENTRAL COMMITMENT of the family.

Ok, after that statement we need to step back and consider something—why would a CENTRAL COMMITMENT be important or relevant to a family? What difference would that make? To answer that, we need to take a look at our assumptions about what a family IS and what our expectations are. Stay tuned for more!